Authoritah and how to respect it
by Cartmanbrah
Summary: Wendy dumps Stan for Cartman and doesn't tell Stan who her new boyfriend is. Stan is going on mission to find out who is it
1. Hippie and the Beast

Author's note: this is not gonna be some cheesy romance fic. It has a heart, but the main point of it is Stan's investigation of Wendy's new boyfriend and Cartman and Wendy as a new couple. Those two have a great comic potential together, so let's fucking exploit this "beauty and the beast on drugs" type of thing

Chapter one: Hippie and the Beast

Wendy laid beside the fat boy, head in his chest, after some a-fucking-mazing sex. It was rather strange being in love with Cartman. He got in her nerves like no one else did. When they fought, too often to count, he would never back down and let her have her way. Unless she blackmailed him in some way

At the same time, all that fire he used to fight also drived her crazy. He was a bad boy. Sociopath, nazi, sadist, torturer, creep, bastard, manipulator were only a few of the worlds she used to describe him. Yet, it was mesmerizing. The more she tried to deny it, the more she was in love with him.

To lie beside him in bed like that was rather comforting. Some hidden sweetness he had and no one else saw. Like he was saying "Here, hippie bitch. I can be nice when I want to. Let me get some fucking rest from being the evil bastard I know you love"

"That was kewl!" Eric said, breaking the silence

Wendy giggled "It was. Did you lose weight?"

"I did, how did you know?" Eric asked confused

"You felt a bit lighter than last time. Thanks for that, by the way" she said, kissing his neck

She was still dating Stan. Although she knew he cheated on her. Not sure with who, and she also didn't care. She stopped liking Stan years ago. She had been in love with Eric for some time now. Since third grade to be exact. 8 years fighting it back. They were now 16 and shagging like rabbits to overcompensate the lost time

"I'm gonna dump Stan" Wendy said. She was thinking about it since she and Cartman fucked for the first time 2 months ago. She wasn't sure if he liked her or was just looking for sex,

But all the hugging, the conversations, and the way he looked at her…

He loved her. Wouldn't say it for the life of him, but he did

"Finally, hippie!" Eric said, calling her by the 'pet name' "What took you so long?"

"I wanted to see if you were 'for seriouslay'" she imitated his voice on that last part. He laughed "in this. Well, you are so I'm gonna be seriously too" she hugged him even tighter

"I'm seriously! You might be a dumb hippie ho, but goddamn it, be MY dumb hippie ho"

"Is that your twisted way of asking me to be your girlfriend?" she giggled

"Yeah" He answered with his classic grin

"Good" she kissed him "We're just gonna have to keep it a secret for a while"

"I know" Cartman said, a bit disappointed "Stan's gonna freak out when he finds out. I don't want him going back to those fucking goths"

"Yeah, that would suck" She said "but we can tell everyone someday. Just wait a bit"

She kissed him "Just know that from now on, I'm your girlfriend and you WILL respect my Authoritah" She loved his catchphrases. For some reason

"Ey! Don't steal my catchphrases, bitch, respect my authoritah!" he said

"Tale as old as time,

Song as old as rime...

Hippie and the beast" She sung before kissing him again

"


	2. Screw you Stan, i'm going home!

Author's note: I had some technical issues about the formatting of the text of the last text. Sorry for that.

Chapter two: Screw you, Stan! I'm going home!

Wendy found out about Cartman's guns in a rather funny way. They were making out on his bed and she accidentally pushed a button on the side of it. A loaded double barrel Remington 12 gauge fell on Cartman's back, leaving a big trauma on his back and killing Kenny (YOU BASTARD!) in the process. Cartman later told her that, apart from that Remington; he had his trustworthy Sig Sauer P226 pistol (often used to threaten Kyle or to kill Kenny and sell his organs), an M4 rifle, an AK-47, and a freaking bazooka. He rigged the wall on his room with the shotgun in case of an alien invasion or something of the sort.

He lived in South Park, goddamn it. He was entitled to carry guns

Kenny was the only one who knew about Cartman and Wendy. He often enough helped Cartman and Wendy in their cover ups. That's why he was not surprised when he heard from Cartman that Wendy was breaking up with Stan for him.

"Dude, I'm happy for you!" Kenny said through his parka. Despite the abuse, he was Cartman's best friend.

"Yeah, I'm happy too. That hippie is kewl"

"You think Stan is gonna freak out?" Kenny said

"I'm HIV positive he's gonna freak out. That's why we're waiting a while to tell him, dude."

"Yeah, that's better. So, we're gonna do this?" Kenny said, kinda fearful

"Sure, what would you like today? Shotgun, pistol or rifle?" Cartman asked

"Shotgun. When you shoot me, say 'here's my boomstick!' like that guy from the Evil Dead."

"Sweet!" Cartman said, walking upstairs to get his shotgun. Every other week, he'd kill Kenny and sell his organs in the black market. They'd both spend the profit in parties. Sometimes, even inviting Stan and Kyle along. Kenny decided they both had to celebrate Cartman's new found love. He was nearly down the stairs when he hear his cellphone ring

"Hang on, Kenny!" Cartman said. Wendy was calling "hi sweetie"

"Hi! What are you doing?" Wendy asked casually

"Killing Kenny. He said he wants to celebrate me and you" Cartman said

"Aw, he's so sweet! Tell him to keep some drinks for me, I'll want to go too" Wendy answered, rather excited. "Anyway, I'm going over to Stan's to break up with him, so I'm hanging up now. Wish me luck"

"Good luck honey. Love ya. Bye" Cartman

"Bye, love you too" She said. It was still kinda weird hearing that sentence from Cartman. But a good weird

"Alright, Kenny" Cartman said, pointing the gun "Here's my boomstick!" BAM! The shot sounded.

"Oh my God! I killed Kenny!" Cartman said humorously. All of a sudden, Kyle appeared on his backyard and screamed "YOU BASTARD!" only to go back to his normal life

"Every fucking time…" Cartman said.

Wendy walked through the streets of South Park. She was in a good mood today. It rather surprised her. She should be in a bad mood to break up with her boyfriend for the last 8 years. But no, she was happy because she was moving on to something else. Something better.

She knocked on the door. Randy answered it. A beer in his hand, as usual.

"Hi Wendy. Stan's having a drink with me and Kyle" He said. Visibly drunk. Goddamn it, who the fuck gets drunk at 9 o'clock in a fucking Sunday morning? "STAAAAAN! YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS HERE!" the older man shouted. He was starting to get old. A bit of white already showing in his hair.

Stan was not nearly as drunk as Randy. But he did have a beer in his hand.

"Hi Wendy!" he said in a casual tone and leaned forward to kiss his girlfriend. She, however, stopped him by putting her hands on his lips

"What's wrong?" The young man said puzzled.

"We need to talk. In private" Wendy said in a serious tone.

"Ok, come on in. We'll talk upstairs" Stan said, fearing the worse.

They went into his room. So familiar, yet so unforgiving… It was like the walls knew everything already.

"I've been seeing another guy behind your back. And I'm in love with him. DEEPLY in love. Stan, we've not been in love for quite some time now. We need to break up" Wendy said, sounding even harsher than she wish she had sounded.

Stan was thunderstruck. For a few seconds, his mind stopped working. When it woke up again, it was all anger.

"YOU'VE CHEATED ON ME?" He screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Playing Mr. Right, now, are we?" Wendy said in a sarcastic tone. "Who were you sleeping with, huh? Annie? Red? Sally? Or is it the Jewfag downstairs?" She could almost hear Kyle screaming offended.

"How did you…" Stan said, not sure what to feel anymore.

"I'm not stupid, Stan. I know it. I don't even care who it was, coz I was already in love with this guy when I found out" she said, interrupting him

"I've said what I've come to say. Now, I'm going. Bye!" she said in a neutral tone

"Who is it?" Stan said, his hands shaking, tears forming

"Not gonna tell you now. I rather wait till you stop freaking out" The brunet answered

"I DISERVE to know who is that fuck so I can kick his ass! I slept with Lola, by the way. Now, who is it?!"

He was pissed. She was even more pissed than him. "You're some piece of work, did you know that? You cheat on me, you don't give me attention, you run around with Jewfag over there and never stop to think of something to do with me. And now, when I dump you, you get all self-righteous and says you're gonna kick my boyfriend's ass? Fuck you, Stan!"

She went down the stairs heading for the door. He tried to stop her

"Wendy, wait…" He said, almost crying by now

"No! We're through! I'm done with you! Screw you, Stan! I'm going home!" And she slammed the door

Stan still had no clue who was it. Kyle and Mr. Marsh, however, had no doubt it was Cartman

That last sentence? Dead giveaway


	3. If it's not rough

Graphic sex on this one

Chapter three: If it's not rough…

Wendy was getting away from Stan's house. A shitton of memories just flooded her brain. The puke, the Canada war and the way she used to love Stan…

It all seemed like a completely different life. Like someone else's memories.

As she was walking, she found Kyle going to his house

"Hey Wendy" Kyle said in a friendly way. A comforting tone that said 'I'm here for you'. He assumed she was sad about what just passed.

"Hey Kyle!" Wendy said in a happier tone. "How is it going?"

"Good I guess. Kinda wanted to talk to you about what happened back there" Kyle said, following her tone

"Kyle, I know you're gonna try to convince me to go back to Stan…" She was cut off by Kyle's hand

"I know it's Cartman" Kyle said with a grin "I always knew"

Wendy froze. She was thinking how the fuck did he find out about it. They always had good excuses for the absence, only Kenny and Bebe knew about the two of them dating…

It was a perfect scheme!

Even when she spent the night at Cartman's, Bebe said she was at hers. When they went to the movies or something, Kenny would lie about it too. If anyone saw them, like Jimmy once did, they'd start arguing on the spot and all of a sudden no one would suspect shit. The fuck!

"How the fuck did you find out?" she asked, rather annoyed

Kyle laughed "I always knew you had a thing for each other. Ever since we were kids. I wasn't that surprised when you kissed him back at that Flag Debate. I assumed it was only a matter of time before you guys started it. But NO! You two, the most stubborn fuckers in the world, had to keep the charade! You had sex with him twice before you started dating two months ago, and then you finally decided to be honest with each other"

Wendy grinned at him. He was smart. No wonder Cartman hated him so much. He was too similar to Cartman in one way: he knew his way around. He just read them like a fucking book

"So, Jewfag, what do you want to keep your mouth shut for a while?" Wendy asked

"Well, first of all, stop using his catchphrases, it's a dead giveaway" She had to laugh at that "Second, stop calling me Jewfag. That's Cartman's job. I don't want anything, I just want to be on the same level. It's for the best if Stan keeps ignorant for now. He's gonna freak out when he finds out…"

"I know…"she sighed in exasperation "Just be there for him, ok? I really want him to forget me and have a happy life" she said with honesty

"That's my job as his friend, right?" He answered

She smiled mildly at Kyle. "Oh, me, Cartman, Kenny, and Bebe are going for a few drinks tomorrow night. Wanna come? Kenny's buying!" She said in a 'happy teenager going out' sort of way

"How's he buying? He has no money"

"Cartman's selling his organs as we speak. That's where the money comes from"

"My God, they're never gonna stop doing that, are they?" Kyle said annoyed by it. Cartman and Kenny always did those crazy shit together.

"It's not the first time he kills Kenny for profit, not gonna be the last. At least they're sharing it" she laughed mildly

"Do they save any of it? I mean, organ black market sales make a fucking lot of money " Kyle asked

Wendy started laughing, remembering the whole scheme

"They put on a bank account in the name of a fake charity fund" she answered, still laughing mildly

"What?" Kyle asked outraged

"Yeah! Ever heard of the Kenny McCormick Poverty Fighting Fund? Or the Wendy Testaburger Rainforest Aid? Herbert Garrison STD research center? Those are the names they use!"

"Those fuckers" Kyle started laughing too.

She wanted to sound less loving of the whole situation than she did. But she did love those crazy schemes. Even though half the time she would try to stop them. There was never a dull moment with Cartman in your life. Hell, there's never a dull moment if you even live in walking distance from his house!

She walked to Cartman's house. It was a rather short walk there, but she was eager to be with him. Kiss him and make love to him for the first time as a couple. As boyfriend and girlfriend.

She knocked on the door. Eager to see his face. He answered

"Hey swee…" He was cut off by a kiss. Deep, long French kiss as she locked her legs around his waist and he started to explore her body with his hands. Her ass was a favorite hand resting place. The 'whore style hello' as he so kindly named it. He carried her to his bedroom, kicking the doors in his way. He was kissing her with such furry and passion she barely could breathe. He started biting her bottom lip as they crashed onto his bed. They knew how they both liked it. Rough and hard. Almost like a fight. This was turning her on. She removed her shirt and bra in a millisecond giving access to her boobs. Cartman started sucking on them as she started stiffing her nails in his back.

"You sick fuck…"she exhaled in pleasure

"You know you like it, you fucking whore!" He answered removing his own shirt. She started unzipping his pants. Wanting to get to her prize already. His cock nearly jumped of the underpants, so hard it was. She kissed the tip

"Happy to see me?" She teased with a whorish grin. He just moaned in answer. The position gave him had access to her ass. He liked to play with it a lot. As she sucked his cock, he started squishing it really hard. Then, he moved on to spanking it.

"Hm, yes! Spank me, you bastard!" She said.

"Call me Füher" He answered with a cocky tone

"Spank me, mein Füher!" How come the neighbors didn't hear that one?

Then, he inserted a finger in her pussy, all extracting immense pleasure from her

"Fuck me, mein Füher!" She screamed, no longer controlling herself.

Some commands, he couldn't disobey. This one being among them. With his strength, he threw Wendy below him, and started fucking her, without further due.

This went on for two hours, filled with screams, nails, spanking, biting, fucking…

You'd swear someone kicked the living shit out of both. Cartman had a small bloody bite near his neck. Wendy thought it would be a good idea to bite when she climaxed. Not to mention his back and the nail marks. She had a very distinct hand print in her but. Only one person in town had a hand that big.

"That… Was…" Cartman tried to say something breathing heavily, but gave up. The pleasure and exhaustion got the best of him

"I know…" Wendy also had a very heavy breath

She let her head slide to his chest. 'My favorite pillow' she thought. She felt so cozzy and protected that way...

"I love you, asshole" she said joyfully. Ah, the pet names…

"I love you, hippie" he answered with a smile.

'Love hurts' he thought as he felt the pain in his neck. They both fell asleep seconds later. Just like that. Naked, bruised and happy. I guess you can fuck someone to a coma.


	4. Family friendly Stockholm Syndrome

Chapter four: Family Friendly Stockholm Syndrome

Kyle was walking back to Stan's house after that chat with Wendy. It was best if he went back there instead of his home, he thought. For one, he KNEW Stan was going to open a bottle of whiskey. Worse even: his dad was going to open a bottle of whiskey with him. Besides, he knew Stan, and all of them for that matter, saw Cartman's house as a safe haven. They'd go there, not even knocking on the fucking door and storm in. Cartman would complain, be his selfish asshole self, and they'd end up playing xbox, drinking a few beers and eating junk food. If they could rely on Cartman to be a selfish, bigoted asshole, then the world was still in place. There was a BIG chance Stan would end up in Cartman's house if he kept drinking. And Kyle KNEW Cartman would be having sex with Wendy by now. He really needed to extract that mental image from his brain, by the way. He was now wondering if they engaged in nazi dress up sex or had her call him 'mein Füher' during it. Now, he was thinking of screwing a drill through his brain.

When he got to Stan's house, his suspicions were confirmed. Stan didn't even bother getting a fucking glass, he was chugging that bottle by the neck.

"Hey Kyle… Thought you were going home…" Stan said, very depressed. He was smoking a cigarrete. It was never a good sign when Stan lighted a cigarrete.

"I thought it wasn't a good idea to leave you all by yourself. Guess I was right" Kyle said

"I know… I feel so bad… Like something's broken. Like I don't know anything anymore" Stan said.

'God, he's back to that fucking goth phase. I HATE IT!' Kyle thought.

"Who is it, Kyle?" Stan asked taking another sip from the bottle

"Who is who?" Kyle asked, playing dumb

"Wendy's boyfriend. You know who is it and you're hiding it from me so I won't freak out. Well, I'm freaking out already, so just say it and I can kick his fucking ass" Stan said in a mixture of anger and pain

Kyle exhaled in exhaustion

"First of all, quit it. I'm not gonna tell you so you go out and make a fucking fool of yourself. Second, you can't fight him. Trust me"

"It's Token, isn't it? That black asshole…"

Kyle sighed in annoyance. My God, what the fuck is wrong with him?

"Token?" He said "You can't be that clueless, Stan!"

"I just wanna know who it is!"

"UGH!" Kyle cried from exhaustion. A normal Stan was the best friend anyone could wish. A Stan having an emotional crisis, however, was worse than dealing with Cartman when he had a shot at a big sum of money.

Kyle poured himself a rather tall glass of Jack and started drinking as well. This was going to be a very long night

-The next morning, Cartman's house-

Wendy woke up by the side of her lover, both completely naked. They didn't have the energy to put clothes back on last night. She fell asleep resting her head on his chest. Her favorite pillow. It made her feel protected. Like nothing could harm her. Nothing mattered but Eric Cartman's warm and comforting embrace.

Cartman had a little sister now. Lily. Of course no one knew who the father was, although Cartman highly suspected Mr. Mackey. She was 5 now, and had little to nothing in common with her brother. Sure, they looked alike with the same brown hair and those unmistakable eyes. But she was really sweet. She loved Disney princess movies. Specially Beauty and the Beast. She was watching it downstairs and Wendy could hear the main song.

Never like before, ever just as sure as the sun will rise…

She held Cartman tighter as she listened to it. Her Beast. This was her perfect moment. Cartman was awake now, but he said nothing and just embraced her lovingly.

One of the advantages of dating Eric was the cuddling. It just felt great. Like she just fit right into his arm and chest.

"Good morning, Eric" She said softly. Almost like a sigh.

"Good morning. Sleep good?" he asked

"Best sleep in ages" she answered in content.

He hugged her again, got up and started putting his clothes on. So did her. He got some lousy shorts and a Slayer shirt. She just threw one of his football jerseys, some panties and the same skirt from yesterday. They went downstairs to find Lily siting on the couch. She jumped at both of them hugging them.

"Breakfast!" Lianne yelled from the kitchen

They spent the morning eating Lianne's pancakes, bacon, eggs and sausages and watching Beauty and the Beast. Or "Family Friendly Stockholm Syndrome Documentary" as Cartman liked to call it. A nice, quiet morning…

Until Wendy told Cartman that a certain Jew knew their secret.

"Goddamn it! You wanna keep this a fucking secret and you go and tell Kahl about it? He's gonna tell Stan in two fucking seconds, you stupid ho!" Cartman yelled at her

"I didn't tell him! He figured it out by himself, you stupid fuck!" what a loving couple.

Like most small kids, Lilly had the habit of watching the same movie a thousand times. So, she just put Beauty and the Beast to run again. She watched her brother and his girlfriend argue and felt puzzled. It was always the same thing: they'd bicker about some nonsense, end up in a discussion that didn't even have anything to do with their original topic and start kissing each other.

"That's why I hate you goddamn hippies!" Cartman yelled at his girlfriend, as if to prove Lily's point

"Just because I care about the environment doesn't mean I'm a hippie, you nazi bastard!"

As she switched her eyes to the TV, the scene where Belle tends to the Beast's arm was on. She looked back and forth between the scene and the couple's bickering and came to an interesting conclusion. She then got up, walked right to her brother and hugged them both. They seemed to have forgotten all about their fight and smiled to her.

"What did you do that for, Lily?" Wendy said to little girl

"I just realized I have my favorite Disney couple right here at home" She said walking back to the couch.

"What couple?" Cartman asked

"Beauty and the Beast" Lily answered pointing to the two of them

Wendy and Cartman just kissed each other in a loving manner.

"We might have a slight case of Stockholm syndrome for each other" Cartman joked as Wendy hugged him and laughed.

 **Author's note:** I don't actually think Beauty and the Beast is about Stockholm Syndrome. I'm just joking. Crazy stuff happening in the next chapter


	5. Retarded Holmes and Dr Douchebag

**Hello, all my six fans. I know i took way too long to upload this one, but here it goes**

Chapter five: Retarded Holmes and Dr. Douchebag.

It turns out Stan was as clueless as they come. Cartman and Wendy tried to be secretive about their relationship, but everyone could see through the lie. By the time they were fourteen everyone in town already guessed the two of them had a thing for each other. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Mackey even placed a bet on who would give in first. Mr. Garrison claimed Wendy would one day freak out and kiss Eric in the middle of the cafeteria until they both passed out from the lack of air. Mr. Mackey, on the other hand, claimed Eric would round up the whole town into some farfetched, highly unlikely scheme to win her over (to which Wendy would respond by freaking out and kissing him until they both passed out from the lack of air). Everybody had already figured it out by themselves those two were secretly screwing and some even thought it had been going longer than it actually has. Hell, if you asked Butters, he'd say Eric had proposed to Wendy last week.

But Stan was now hell bent on finding out who was Wendy's new boyfriend. He was hurt, he was angry and he wanted a fight. He couldn't ask Kyle for help because he already denied it, Kenny was probably too busy looking at tits and Cartman was probably gonna ask him to do something worse than the pay off in return (how hilarious). So he went to the one other guy he could trust. His one other friend: the Douchebag

Douchebag was a quiet, nice guy. He was the one other guy in town who still didn't figure it out who Wendy was actually into, but that's simply because he did not care. At all.

Stan knocked on his door at 8 in the morning (with a bitch slapping hangover, mind you) and Douchebag answered with a hangover just as horrible.

"Hello Douchebag" Stan said

"I fucking told you my name is John!" Douchebag answered, rather pissy.

"Nicknames catch in this town. Do you actually think Butter's name is actually Butters?"

He just sighed in answer

"I need your help. Wendy has been cheating on me for a while with a guy… and she dumped me yesterday" Stan sighed rather sad. The words coming out of his own mouth made the whole thing more real somehow

There was a second before he spoke again

"The deal is: I want to know who it is. I want to kick his fucking ass to oblivion for doing this to me. Will you help me Sir Douchebag?" Stan said, turning the tears to rage. Douchebag sighed, shrugged and invited Stan into his house

"If we're gonna do this we're gonna start asking people. Her friends, the friends of her friends…" Douchebag told Stan

"We might as well start on the friends of her friends. Her only true friend is Bebe and she's not gonna tell us shit. Red and her other friends just might, but Wendy wouldn't have told them" Stan said

"Maybe they've seen something?" Douchebag pointed

"Maybe. Let's do it"

Off they went asking the entire South Park High cast of students about Wendy's new boyfriend. They'd mostly just laugh at Stan and go away.

Butters answered "Gee, Stan, I'd like to help you and all, but… if I stand in the way of true love and help you get into a fight against the guy Wendy truly wants to be, my parents will ground me" and closed the door in their faces

Tweek answered "ACK! I wasn't even supposed to know about this! GAH! This is way too much PRESURE!" and shut the door in their faces

Jimmy answered "W-w-w-w-well Stan, you know Wendy and everyone in our c-c-c-c-laaaaa… c-c-c-claaasss since d-d-d-d-d-diapers and-and if you ha-ha-haven't fi-fi-fi-fiiiii…. If you haven't figured it out b-b-b-by y-yourself, then you are c-c-c-c-c-cluel-l-l-l-less" And shut the door in their faces

Timmy answered "TIMMAY!" and shut the door in their faces.

Stan's sister Shelly answered "own up to your balls and move the fuck on, turd!" and threw a plant vase in their faces

At one point they found Mr. Mackey on the street and asked him, who answered "fighting over jealousy is bad, mmkay?" and went about his life

Stan sighed and Douchebag lighted a cigarrete (bad habit he caught from the goths) as they leaned on a wall

"Time to use Plan C" Stan said

Douchebag just looked at him with a confused look

"You only ask Cartman for a favor when nothing else works" Stan finished his sentence signaling for Douchebag to give him a cigarrete

-Meanwhile at the Cartman residence-

Wendy had gone upstairs to take a shower and Kenny had arrived back from the dead and decided to go play some Xbox with Cartman.

"Kenny, you suck at shooters poor boy" Cartman teased him as Kenny died for the thousand time on the co-op Rage mission. Cartman loved ID Software games, even not the best ones.

"You suck at fighting games, fatass" Kenny answered

"I'M NOT FAT, I'M BIG BONNED" Cartman roared

They could both hear Wendy, Ms. Cartman and Lily laughing at that.

Then they heard a knock on the door and Cartman went to answer it. Stan was at the front door looking like crap. Cartman NEVER showed panic. NEVER! Outside it was just another Stan visit for him. Inside, Cartman wanted to go upstairs and tell Wendy to get out by the window.

Kenny, however beat Cartman to the punch and walked upstairs as Stan entered the house.

"I'm going to the bathroom" Kenny said and Cartman caught his idea and felt internally relieved.

"Hey dude" Cartman said

"Hey…" Stan said with a very depressed face. They both remained silent for a moment

"So Stan, what brings you to my domain?" Cartman asked with a smug expression

"I need your help" Stan stated simply

"Why? And you do know I might charge you for this help, don't you?" Cartman said with yearning. He liked the idea of people owing him.

"I know that, fatass. Wendy dumped me last night. She said she has been cheating on me with some boy. The thing is, I want to know who is this guy. I wanna beat the living crap out of him for this. I'll make it worth your while. Can you help?" Stan asked his friend. Douchebag still by his side lighting another cigarrete

Cartman really tried to contain himself, but he couldn't. He bursted out laughing his guts out. As Kenny walked down the stairs and saw the scene confused, he asked "What the hell is so funny?"

"He wants me to help him figure it out who Wendy's new boyfriend is so he can beat him up" Cartman said in the middle of his laughs. Kenny started laughing just as hard as Cartman was. Is this guy fucking serious?

"Douchebag" Cartman said "take Stan to his house, let him sober up and tell him to get the fuck over Wendy when he's sober again" Cartman looked at Stan "Stan, you need to stop making a fool of yourself. You were cheating on Wendy WAAAY before she got it this guy. Get the fuck home and stop being an idiot" with those words Cartman pushed them out the door and started walking upstairs to look for his girlfriend

"Hippie? Where are you?" Cartman said entering his room.

She got out of his closet, where Kenny told her to hide "Here, sweetie. How did it go?"

"Get this: Stan wanted me to help him track down and beat up your new boyfriend"

Wendy started to laugh lightly.

"Did you help him?" she teased

"Of course not. I told him to go home and fucking sober up. Then grow a fucking pair and get over it" he said with his grin

"Always the charmer…" she with a giggle

-meanwhile, outside-

"How am I going to figure it out now? I mean, Cartman was a last effort…" Stan said in defeat

"Are you serious?" Douchebag asked, dumbfounded. He saw the way Kenny ran upstairs when Stan arrived. He saw Cartman's nervous face… and he did remember seeing a picture of her in Cartman's phone, now that he thinks about it. It wasn't even that long ago

"What?" Asked Stan with a stupid face

"I don't know how to tell you this dude… Cartman is the one banging your ex." Douchebag said offering Stan a cigarrete

Stan started laughing like never before. It was just too damn funny! Cartman and Wendy? No way

"hahahahahahahah are you crazy? Douchebag, have you been smoking weed with Craig again?" Stan asked while trying to contain himself

"What? No!" Douchebag looked away while Stan eyed him suspiciously

"I mean, yeah, he has some nice weed, but that's beyond the point" Douchebag finished

"Man, you're fucking off the rocker if you think Wendy would go for that fatass"

"Dude, did you not see Kenny running upstairs like he had to hide something?" Douchebag asked

"Kenny was gonna take a piss, no biggie…" Stan said

"Whatever you say, idiot. Screw you Stan, im going home…"

As Douchebag started walking back home, a thought came to Stan's head: that was exactly what Wendy said before leaving his house. He heard that sentence before, coming from a very particular friend

"Oh my God!" Stan said, awestruck by the realization "It was Douchebag all along…"

Now, It's time for payback… on the wrong guy


	6. Happy and relaxed for twenty minutes

Chapter six: Happy and relaxed for twenty minutes

Tonight Cartman, Wendy, Butters, Kenny, Bebe and Kyle were going out for drinks. The thing is, Cartman's new stepdad (his mom's boyfriend) was the owner of the bar. That's why a bunch of sixteen-year-olds could drink there. It's not like those idiots Barbrady and Yates would do anything if they got caught anyway. They were too busy being stupid.

Kenny had a better life now. Throughout his childhood and teenage years, Cartman would drag him and Butters along in crazy schemes. The thing is, those schemes actually paid off from time to time. They even managed to blackmail Shia LaBeouf out of 30 million dollars this one time (They don't even remember what were they blackmailing him with). Kenny even bought himself a better house and brought his brother and sister to live with him. He even stopped smelling like sour milk(mostly).

Also, him and Bebe had been dating since they were fourteen. Bebe, as expected, became extremely hot as a teenager and Kenny ended up with her because, in her own words: "he makes me laugh".

Being Cartman's and Wendy's best friends respectively, Kenny and Bebe figured out they had a thing for each other WAAAY before anyone else. And boy, was it annoying… They had the hots, but would deny it till their deaths. Bebe had to sit through every night listening to Wendy bitch about Cartman or trying to think of something to piss him off the next day at school.

Kenny and Butters had it worst, because they had to actually suffer through Cartman's schemes. Every time Cartman would have an idea to annoy Wendy, he and Butters were the sidekicks. There was this one time Wendy spoke on class about feminism and women's rights. She was indeed a feminist, but she went full feminazi that day on purpose. Cartman, in turn, called Kenny and Butters to fill her locker and her car with USED tampons (the things they had to do to get those). It just escalated from there into a Mad Max style war between the boys and girls of the school. Butters even got to dress up as Lord Humongous again right beside Cartman's Immortan Joe and Kenny's Nux (he lives, he dies, he lives again). By the end of the day, they were making out in the back of Cartman's Toyota. That was the day they first hooked up

Needless to say, Kenny, Bebe and Butters needed a reward for their patience. So Eric, Wendy and Kenny walked into the bar and greeted the bartender

"Hey Don." Said Eric to a bearded man white man with black greying hairs and a Judas Priest t-shirt

"Hey Eric, how is it going?" The man called back. He rather liked this new stepfather. He didn't just bang his mom and leave. No, he actually takes time to spend with her. He even drives Lily to school every once in a while, lets Eric drink at his bar… He is banging their mom; he should at least try to be nice to her kids

"Good! Have you met my girlfriend?" Cartman pointed at Wendy who offered a smile to the older man

"Not yet, kid" he said with a chuckle "You got yourself a pretty one, there!"

"I know, right? Wendy, this is Donald, my mother's boyfriend"

"Nice to meet you" she said with a gentle nod

"Actually, between ourselves, Eric…" Don pulled out a small, velvet box from his counter "soon to be your stepdad, if you're okay with that"

Cartman, Wendy and Kenny stared at the box dumbfounded. Cartman was, at this point, the happiest man on the face of the earth. He ALWAYS wanted his mom to be happy, and Don did just that: he made her happy. Cartman now had a loving girlfriend, caring friends and, very soon, a complete family.

"Of course I'm okay with that, dumbass!" Eric said, giving the elder man a slight pat on the shoulder. "When are you going to propose?"

"Next week when your band plays here. Could you play I Can't Stop Loving You from Van Halen and tell it's from me to her?" Don asked

"Well, I can do it" Eric said "What do you think, Kenny?"

"Yeah! It's an easy rhythm on the drums" Kenny answered "You think Butters can sing it?"

"We'll ask him" Eric said "This calls for a toast. Don, what's your best scotch around?"

"I've got this nice 30-year-old Glenfiddich, but it's pricey" Don said

"Kenny has it covered. Bring out a bottle of the super scotch!" Eric said

"Coming right up!" Don said and went to the back to get it

As Don was looking for the bottle, Butters and Bebe arrived. Butters was still just as much of a Melvin as he's always been, but he dumped the Melvin clothes for some rock and roll t-shirts. He was, for a coincidence, wearing a Van Halen one today. Despite the gay rumors, Butter has become quite the ladies' man over the years

"Hyah, felas!" Butters asked with his Melvin voice "Let's get some drinks?"

"I'm dying for some booze" Bebe said, sitting next to Kenny and giving him a kiss. "So, you two are finally making this official, huh?" she added, with a cheeky grin to Wendy

"Yeah. We're finally together" Wendy said, hugging Eric

"Does that mean we can stop worrying you two are gonna blow the school to Sam Heck every other week?" Butters asked

"Of course not, fag. It still fun to do it" Cartman said with his classic grin "Besides, I'm always gonna need my minions when I go up against my sweetie"

"Yeah! Besides, the Mad Max thing last semester was awesome!" Wendy told him with a smile

"B… but Eric… if I blow up the school because post-apocalyptic war is your idea of quality time with your girlfriend, my parents will ground me" Butters said, causing everyone else to laugh uncontrollably

"Oh, so you do admit you piss each other off on purpose" Bebe said, rather annoyed

"What can I say? It was attention seeking before and now the make-up sex is awesome" Wendy told her with a grin, to which she answered pretending to puke

As Don walked back with the Glenfiddich, something occurred to him… he's seen this girl before. With one of Eric's friends. Stan, that must have been his name. And he was pretty sure they were dating. Don decided to give them the old bartender routine.

"So Eric…" Don said as he poured six glasses of scotch "Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the same Wendy who used to date your friend Stan?"

Cartman took a deep breath and took a sip of the drink. Damn, that was good.

"Yes Don. It's the same Wendy" He said

"Well, are you kids and your friend Stan in good terms with this? I mean, he's been your friend all your freakin life, if I'm not mistaken" Don said, taking his own sip.

"Well… Stan tends to be a little… irrational sometimes… we decided to wait a bit, for the heartbreak to heal, so we would tell him" Wendy told Don. She could tell he was really concerned about this and not just trying to meddle.

"I see…" Don said stroking his beard "Kids, I know you mean well and all, but sometimes a guy needs to be irrational and angry. You're afraid he's gonna do something stupid… but he will do that, no matter what. If you go straight and tell him the truth, he will heal faster from being stupid. Don't you think the guy could have at least that? Don't you think he deserves the truth?"

Cartman and Wendy were now thinking about it… Don was right. It was best for everyone if they told him now. Sure, he would try to fight Cartman, but it was really no biggie

"You're right, Don" Cartman said after a sip of scotch "but I'm telling him over whatever is left of the next bottle we buy. Let the guy have some good whisky before we brake the sucky news"

"That's a good idea. Now a toast!" Don raised his glass "To me and Lianne and to Eric and Wendy"

"Here, here" they said, and glasses clashed. They were sipping and enjoying their whisky when a red headed jew stormed into the bar.

"Oh God, I found you guys…" Kyle said, nearly passing out from the lack of air

"Calm down, kosher bitch. Where is the fire?" Cartman asked, thinking Kyle was just worried about nothing again

"Stan is going to Douchebag's house to kick his ass! He thinks douchebag is dating Wendy now!"

And with that, they dropped the money on Don's counter and walked into the chaos

 **Review this one. BTW, im thinking of a prequel with the Mad Max thing**


	7. Being stupid pays off

Chapter seven: Being stupid pays off

 **Author's note:** This chapter is gonna be a little bit more serious than the last ones, but I hope you like it. The fun will return, I promise

-five hours ago, in Cartman's street-

Stan was pissed. He knew it was douchebag now and he wanted revenge. But he couldn't do it on this state. He was with a bitch slapping hangover and tired as fuck from walking around town! He needed some food, some nice sleep and no one to hold him back

The entire fucking town seemed to be laughing at him. He couldn't hear them, but he knew. He felt like a big fucking joke. It all felt way worse when he ate his cheeseburger and the alcohol started going away. That's when it truly got to him that everybody knew. Everyone! All his friends, his teachers, his douchebag co-students… hell, maybe even the girl he cheated on Wendy with knew. He somehow knew she didn't like him anymore… but this? No, he needed to do something. Screw being rational, he was out for blood!

About four and a half hours later he woke up and started walking. Then he bumped into Kyle

"Hey dude, are you feeling better?" Kyle asked with a smile

"Fuck you!" Stan said as he kept walking

"What? Dude, I know you're upset, but you can't fucking treat me like that! I'm the one that picks up the fucking pieces when you're down, dickhead" Kyle answered pulling Stan towards himself

"Then why didn't you fucking tell me?! If you're such a good friend, then why did you let Wendy run around with that fucking Douchebag without saying anything to me?! Great friend…" and he started walking again

"Dude, I… just didn't know what to fucking do. What do you do when one of your friends has a major crush on another friend's girlfriend for fucking years, and said girlfriend likes the other guy too, but they're all too busy being in fucking denial to notice how toxic this all is? I mean, do you have any idea what has it been like to watch all of you play this make believe? You don't even care about Wendy anymore, this is about your pride! I just wanted to stay out of this one"

Stan sighed "Dude, maybe you were right in staying out of the mess. But right now, I just wanna kick Douchebag's ass" Stan said and pushed Kyle aside, walking away

'Wait' Kyle thought 'Cartman lives two blocks down the other way down this street, where the fuck is Stan… Oh God, he thinks Douchebag is banging Wendy!' and Kyle started running to Don's bar, he knew Cartman and Wendy would be there. It's time to settle this whole fucking mess.

-Back to the present, everyone shoved in Cartman's car-

"Uh, Kenny… could you move a bit… your behind is in my face" Butters said, from the cramped backseat of Cartman's Toyota. He and Wendy were in the front while Kyle, Butters, Bebe and Kenny pretty much jumped in the back as Eric raced to douchebags house. They all agreed this has gone too far. They needed to set things straight before something stupid happened.

"Stop with the lead foot, fatass, you're gonna get us killed!" Kyle screamed, trying to free his foot from Bebe's face

"Well, next time stop your fucking boyfriend from doing something stupid, so I don't have to stop him!" Cartman spat back

"Well, if you two weren't in a huge freaking denial for half your lives, he wouldn't be doing something stupid. You would have dated Wendy at least four years ago and he would have fucking moved on by now" Kyle answered

"Kyle, I swear, if you take another single fucking jab at my relationship, I will ask my boyfriend for his chili recipe!" Wendy shot at him

"Then don't drag us along into the madness you two create." Kenny said

"We walked in Satan and our chemistry teacher having sex last week, whatever madness me and Cartman create seems fucking trivial in comparison" Wendy said. She had a point

"Not mentioning you and Bebe dying every other day for some stupid reason" Kyle said

"I knew that immortality shit was an STD" Bebe said

Cartman hit the brakes as he saw Stan and Douchebag arguing in front of the school. Stan looked pissed! He wanted to pound someone's face in. Douchebag's face

Cartman stopped the car, ran to Stan and tackled him to the ground

"Great! The shitheads are here to sort things out! Don't mind me, I'm just the guy who was two fucking seconds away from getting into a fight with a friend over something I have nothing to do with!" Now Douchebag was pissed

"Douchebag, let us sort this out…" Butters said trying to keep thing in a sane manner

Stan got up and Cartman and Kenny were holding him back. God, he was annoying when he was heartbroken. Kyle and Butters were holding Douchebag and Wendy and Bebe were just trying to keep their cool

"Would it hurt too much to fucking tell me, Wendy? And why one of my fucking friends, huh? It had to be close, didn't it? It had to be a guy I played with as a kid!" Stan started rambling on with his rage.

Wendy was getting angrier by the second. She may not have acted correctly sleeping with Cartman, but at least she loves him. And who the fuck Stan is to get angry? He slept with Lola at least five times before she slept with Eric! If Stan didn't shut up, she was gonna make him shut up.

"Stan, next time you try to have the moral high ground, DON'T FUCKING CHEAT ON ME FIVE TIMES BEFORE I CHEAT ON YOU!" Wendy screamed "This is all really fucking stupid. We're both at fault here, let this fucking thing go. Eric, let him go, I'll talk to him face to face"

Cartman released him and he started listening

"Face it Stan, we haven't been in love for a really long time… We need to put it behind us. You nearly beat up the wrong guy for this madness! This has to stop. I'll give you some time to think. When you calm down, I'll tell you the truth" Wendy said and then sighed, turning to Cartman "Eric, can you give me a ride home?" she asked

'Eric?' Stan thought in his rage. He was still trying to process all of this. 'Since when anyone but Butters calls him Eric?'

And that's when it hit him like a ton of bricks. He thought back to all those times Cartman and Wendy fought… the thought back to the flag debate when they were kids, the way she kissed him… she never kissed Stan like that, with such hard passion and drive... he remembered their fight and how weak Cartman seemed… almost like he couldn't bring himself to hit her

He remembered all the times she pissed him off on purpose, just to see what would he do

He remembered all the pranks he played on her just to piss her off

And the way they looked at each other right now just confirmed it. It just felt like they belonged, like they were drawn to fit one another…

Maybe he'd be okay with this one day, but right now he was running in Cartmans direction to kick his ass.

Kenny and Bebe tried to hold him, but he pushed them away into the street. A car ran them over

"Oh my God, I killed Kenny!" Stan said

"Oh my God, you killed Bebe!" Wendy said

"You bastard!" Kyle screamed

And now it was Cartman's turn to start a fight. And it would be ugly

 **Rate and review? This writer thanks you**


	8. Finally, you morons!

Chapter eight: Finally, you morons!

 **Author's note:** contrary to what most fanfics would have you believe, unless one of them is a seasoned martial artist (I'm a Karate black belt, so I know), fights are not usually uneven to the point where one kicks the other's ass with little trouble. This is not the first time people have Stan and Cartman fighting on a fic, but I'll not have one of them just walking over the other as easily as breathing. Let's keep this believable, guys

Both Cartman and Stan been in fights before. None of them was really weak. Despite still being fat, Cartman managed to get himself into the Cow's football team and was doing great as a defense player. Stan was the star quarterback of the same team, so needless to say the fight between them was pretty ugly. Cartman was stronger, but Stan was faster. They were both throwing punches and kicks like they were worst enemies.

Wendy, Kyle and Butters thought about splitting the two of them before someone got really hurt, but none of them really had the upper body strength to hold Cartman. At one point they asked Douchebag for help

"Let them sort this out, we'll take them to the hospital if they overdo it" was his answer

"But they are nearly murdering each other, asshole!" Wendy screamed to his face, shaking him

"Let them get this over with. That was going to happen sooner or later" Douchebag said calmly

'He has a point' Wendy thought 'let's just get this over with and go home'

Back to the fight, they were starting to get tired. Cartman had a black eye and a swollen lip. His arms would be all purple in the morning, but he could handle it. Stan also had a black eye and his nose was bleeding. At one point, Cartman kicked his left leg and it was starting to be hard to stand up.

"Ok, asshole. I'm gonna ask this just once" Stan said to Cartman as he tried his best to keep himself standing. Damn Cartman for fighting dirty "Since when have you been sleeping with my girl?!" His voice was rough. He wiped his mouth from the blood that came from his nose

"First of all, not 'your girl' anymore" Cartman said between breaths. He wasn't as beat up, but he was more exhausted. "second, we've been hooking up since the Mad Max thing last semester. And sex was just two months ago"

Stan certainly didn't expect Cartman to be so upfront and honest about it

"Why…" he spat some blood "Why the fuck are you being so honest about this shit just now?"

"Because is pointless to try and hide it. We already kicked each other's asses, didn't we?" Cartman said. He just sat down in the snow, too tired to try looking tough anymore "How did you figure it out?"

"She called you Eric… When she asked for a ride… The only people that do that are your mom, your sister and Butters. Then I started remembering all that shit over the years..." Stan said as he sat down as well

"Took you long enough. According to the Jewfag, everyone in town had it figured it out. Hehehe…" he laughed ironically and turned to Wendy "Hey sweetie, at least we were fooling someone!"

She started laughing too. It was just too much. She was tired of hiding it "Well, at least him. And to think us, the best manipulators in South Park would suck so bad at hiding an affair" She said humorously

"Tell you what…" Cartman said, finally catching his breath "Let's all go home and figure this mess out tomorrow"

"You really think we can fight and it's all okay? It just doesn't work that way asshole!" Stan screamed at him

"Let's face it: I messed up, Wendy messed up and you messed up. There is no point standing here and pointing fingers. I'm tired, you're probably still drunk, we're both beat up…" Cartman said, breathing again

"You're right" Stan sighed in defeat "But that doesn't mean I'm okay with it"

Wendy was really struggling with herself not to make things worse by tossing the fact that Stan slept with Lola in the discussion.

"Kyle, take him home. Eric, I'll drive us to your place. You need some ice on that eye" Wendy said, choosing for the quicker way to go somewhere else

"What about me?" Douchebag said

"Fine, we'll give you a ride" Cartman said

"Good"

Kyle went back to Stan's side to hold him up and go home. His house was closer and Randy would probably put some booze in Stan's body, so it was best if Stan went there

"Come on, dude. Let's go to my place" Kyle said as Stan put his arm on Kyle's shoulder so he could walk

"Thanks dude" Stan said. Right now, he just wanted a bed and some cotton on his nose.

-Cartman's car-

As they were driving home, Cartman was trying to keep his left eye shut because it hurt like a bitch. The thing is, Stan has skinny guy hands, so the punches he throws are pure bone when they hit. Wendy was taking some pity in her boyfriend's state, but she figured some ice and sex before bed were gonna do the trick. If she was turned on by Cartman's evil face, one could only imagine what watching Cartman fight would do to her.

"Okay, Douchebag, we're at your place" She said as she pulled over

"Thanks guys" Douchebag said as he exited the car "And Eva, next time you and 'sweetie pie' Adolf wanna do something stupid… Leave me out of it"

"Ey! It was Stan who took you into this mess" Cartman barked

"We're gonna try" Wendy said pulling Cartman back

He just shut the door and went inside

They drove a bit more, dropped Butters off (he got grounded for being out late and being near a fight) and went to Cartman's house. Mrs. Cartman had a major freak out when she saw her Poopsikins with a black eye and a swollen lip. She went into overdrive getting the ice and some medications for her son

"Dear Lord, what happened to him?" She asked as she rubbed something for the pain on his eye

"You should see the other guy" Cartman said, trying to humor her. She slapped him lightly on the shoulder

"Don't try being a smart ass right now, mister. Seriously, what happened?" She asked turning to Wendy

"Well, Mr. Cartman..." and she proceeded to tell Mrs. Cartman what happened with Douchebag and Stan "And then, they both got too tired to fight and we decided it was best if everybody went home"

Mrs. Cartman looked at Wendy for a moment. She really liked Wendy. She was really surprised to see her son with such a nice girl… and being his mother, of course she noticed he had a crush on her ever since he was a kid. What she hated, however, was this whole ordeal with one of his best friends.

"Well, I must say it's about damn time!" Mrs. Cartman said, noticing Eric had fallen asleep "You three should have sorted this mess years ago! Dear God, do you have any idea what me, your parents and the Marshes have gone through?"

"Wait… You guys knew me and Eric…" She asked surprised. The fuck? Even her mother knew!

"We're not stupid Wendy. I've seen the crazy messes my little boy stirred up to get your attention" She walked to the counter and took the bottle of Glenfiditch they were drinking at the bar "Don brought this here after you left the bar. How did you pay for this?" Mrs. Cartman poured a glass for each of them.

"Eric sold Kenny's organs in the black market. They keep most of it in fake bank accounts, though" She said as Mrs. Cartman laughed

"That's how my little Eric is. Always doing something crazy"

"So… you're not mad at me?" Wendy asked taking a sip

"Of course not. I'm his mother, it takes a lot more than that to irritate me. I'm just glad he found such a nice girl" She said raising a glass, to which Wendy toasted

"Well, I'm glad we got this over with. After this glass, let's get him to bed" Wendy said and Mrs. Cartman nodded

"oh, and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, there is a new pack of condoms in this drawer. Top shelf" Mrs. Cartman said as Wendy got so much red in her face she was a hammer and scythe symbol away from being the Chinese flag


	9. Sexually Transmitted Immortality

**Author's note:** There will be two spin-offs. One with the Mad Max thing and the other with the second half of this chapter. What would you guys like first?

Taking Stan back to his place really took its toll on Kyle's shoulder. It's not like the guy was heavy, but Kyle was not particularly an athletic guy and he also didn't have a car (his cheap jew of a father said he didn't need one). Still, he was glad they got the "Cartman vs Stan: Dawn of Douchebags" out of the way. They would be awkward for a couple of months and then go back to normal. Sleeping with one of the other's girlfriends was not by a longshot the worse any of those boys had done to each other. Hell, if the David Blaine Cult and the whole Cthulhu stuff didn't split them, nothing would

Kyle sat Stan down on a chair on the kitchen.

"Hang on, dude, I'll get some cotton" Kyle said. Stan was next to the fridge, so he took some frozen peas and put on his eyes

"Here" Kyle said, as he put the cotton on Stan's nose

"Thanks, dude" Stan said "Sorry about earlier. I was really pissed at everything"

"It's okay dude. I'm just glad you're back to your senses" Kyle said "What are we gonna do about your leg?"

"I'll crash on your couch for today and go to Hell's Pass tomorrow. I don't think it's broken; it's just swollen on the wrong spot" Stan said putting the peas down

"Yeah, sounds like the best for now" Kyle said "I'll get some chips, you want any?"

"Yeah, dude" Stan said. He was kinda hungry. But he had a lot more on his head "How long did you know?"

Kyle sighed as he put the chips in a bowl. He just hoped he wouldn't goth it up

"Know what?" Kyle asked

"That they had a thing for each other. I mean, I just want to understand"

"Dude, Cartman had this crush on her ever since he was kid. I don't remember much from kindergarten, but he was always nagging her, wasn't he? All the way through elementary and middle school…" Kyle answered it

"What about her?" Stan asked. Oh boy, this was gonna be tough

"The flag debate. Remember that? Ever since then she was always trying to piss him off… remember when she tried to join his boy band?" and they both started laughing

"Dude, we had a boy band!" Stan said, a bit more happy

"Yeah, dude. We were awesome kids" Kyle said

There was an awkward silence after that. It was just too much info for one night! How the hell does one cope with the fact that one of your best friends and your now ex-girlfriend are probably having sex right now? It's too weird. You can't just drop a bomb like that on a guy

After that, Kyle tried to keep the conversation away from Wendy and Cartman. They talked about videogames, movies, school stuff, football… Literally anything but Wendy and Cartman. The only time Cartman came up on a conversation was when they talked about the new Doom game he was super psyched about and that he was planning a big trip to Denver with the four of them so they could buy it when it comes out.

"Dude, fatass can't wait for anything" Stan said

"At least he's not gonna freeze himself this time" Kyle said. They both laughed.

After that, an awkward silence consumed the room

"Does that mean you're okay with the two of them?" Kyle asked. This was the first time since Wendy broke up with him that Stan had been calm enough for a real conversation. Stan just sighed. He didn't know the answer to that. How the fuck can someone be okay with this shit?

"I don't know, dude…" Stan said finally "I mean, I've been friends with Cartman all my life… And Wendy has been my girlfriend for eight years! Of course I'm not gonna just shut them off my life. I'm just gonna need some time, you know? This is not gonna happen overnight"

Kyle nodded. It was a messed and fucked up situation. He would get used to it eventually, but those things take time. Maybe Stan just needed to get used to it. He did mess up as well

"Can I ask you something? Like best friend to best friend?" Kyle said, looking at Stan

"Sure, dude" Stan answered

"Do you still love Wendy?" Kyle asked

"No, dude. Not for I while now" Stan said. This was a hard one… Stan never actually admitted that. Not even to himself….

Kyle smiled, patted his friend on the back and got up. He walked to the fridge and got two cokes. One for him and one for Stan

"Hey dude" Kyle said, raising the can for a toast "to the new Stan"

"Yeah" Stan said, joining the toast "to the new Stan"

"So… Is the new Stan still banging Lola?" Kyle asked. Stan laughed

"No dude, I felt guilty" Stan said "I should call her someday…"

"Yeah dude" Kyle smiled

Kyle felt happy for his friend. He knew Stan wouldn't suddenly be okay with Cartman and Wendy overnight, but at least he would try. Maybe one day they could all hang out again. Maybe they could kill Kenny and throw an awesome party when that happened

"Besides" Kyle said "that's not even the worst Cartman ever did to you"

And they both laughed

(Meanwhile, in the sunken city of R'lyeh)

Over the years, Kenny got used to traveling back and forth between South Park and R'lyeh. In his early years, he would be drowsy and disoriented while he was on his dead state, but once his body and soul got used to the punishment, he started being conscious in the sunken city. When he was thirteen, he started talking to Cthulhu. Turns out, the Elder God was bored out of his mind since the middle ages. Torturing humans with madness and nightmares is fun, but we're kinda easy to freak out…It got to the point where he would watch TV through some cultist's eyes from time to time just to have something to do. Having Kenny over at least gave him someone to talk to

Bebe, however, was not nearly as used to it as Kenny. Even though she was older than Kenny the first time she went there, it takes some time for a soul to get used to it. So, this time, like most others, she felt sick to her stomach and disoriented

"Hey, big guy" Kenny said to Cthulhu "is there a chair where she can sit? She's still not used to this whole 'resurrection' deal"

Cthulhu grunted and a throne rose from the floor. It was deformed and misshapen, but it looked surprisingly comfortable.

"Thanks, big guy" Bebe said. Cthulhu grunted something only immortals like the both of them would understand as "You're welcome"

The thing is, only immortals can understand what Cthulhu says. To anyone else it would sound like inhuman, profane and terrifying growls capable of turning stone to ash with their strength

"Any way" Cthulhu 'said' "How's everything in the surface?"

"Pretty good. Eric's got a girlfriend now and we were having a drink with them?"

"Eric Cartman? Oh, I like that kid" Cthulhu uttered "Few in the surface take as much joy in chaos and destruction as he does"

"Yeah, you're telling me, buddy" Kenny said, scratching his head. He then caught a glimpse of his girlfriend about to throw up

"You know; you should have told me the Immortality was sexually transmitted" Kenny complained

"I thought it would be funnier if you found out by yourself" Cthulhu told him "at least your mothers don't give birth to you every time you die like your mother used"

Kenny shuddered at the thought "Thanks for that, by the way" he said

"Big guy?" Bebe said, feeling slightly better

"What, my child?" Cthulhu asked

"Can we wake up in Kenny's bedroom this time?" she asked before throwing up on the floor. Kenny pulled a napkin he kept in his parka to clean her mouth

"Yeah, dude, can you do it?"

"Sure" Cthulhu said

Kenny then looked at the state of his girlfriend. It hurts to see her like that… He wondered when would she start to cope with this whole thing a little better

"How long before Bebe starts handling the trip a little better?" Kenny asked the Elder God

"Hard to say. She needs to fortify her soul like you did" Cthulhu said

"But… That may take…" Kenny was speaking when Cthulhu cut him off

"We will teach her. She needs practice" the God said

"Wow… thanks dude"

"You're welcome. Now, go! Morning comes. And with it, the problems of your idiot friends arise" Cthulhu said

"Wait, how do you…" Kenny tried to speak

Before the boy could finish, Elder God then screamed with all his might and the entire city of R'lyeh trembled. Kenny then saw everything fade to black as he returned to life once more


End file.
